Apocalypse Wow

Friend #1, to friend #2 who just returned from Vietnam: You wouldn't live in Vietnam?
Friend #2: No.
Friend #1: Why? Nice place to visit, better place to bomb?

The hits keep on coming

A drunk Columbian: You're a pretty girl, you know? Real sexy.
Me: Oh, thanks.
A drunk Columbian: No, I mean it. If you was ugly I'd tell you you were ugly.

Davy Jones hipster scum returns!

"I have a bag full of scabs. Can I tape them to your hair?"- Davy Jones hipster scum
"You're cut off."- me

One of the best things I've heard so far.

"I never wanted to have my own biological children. I just wanted to adopt because I'm adopted and it's kind of like karma. Meeting my wife made me realize I wanted biological children just to put more of her genes out in the world. Fuck my genes. She is such a good, amazing person. The world needs more people with her genes to combat all the badness out there." - an Irish tattoo artist from Las Vegas

Touched by God... through chicken

"It's like God touched you with buffalo wings!"- a young, Israeli tourist on chicken wings from Duff's in Buffalo, NY

While quizzing the Davy Jones hipster scum...

Me: Do you even have a job?
Davy Jones hipster scum: I'm a waiter. I wait for very cool things to happen.

ROCK AND ROLL vs. RADICAL

"ROCK AND ROLL DUDES! RADICAL DUDES! You don't have a nose but you can cut my hair!"- a very drunk, Davy Jones look-a-like, hipster scum after I told him he should cut off his stupid hair